Do you sometimes feel as if you’re not good enough?
I’m having that thought now.
I was given my Accountancy marks yesterday. Before that, FYI Accountancy is one of my favourite subjects after Economics. I’ve been practising and solving last years question papers. So you know that I didn’t take this lightly. Actually, in the matter of studies, I don’t take anything lightly. And I’ve my finals starting from 1st March. So you can see how less time I’ve to revise and score 95%. This is a target set by my father. And I was determined to achieve it until yesterday.
I got 60 out of 80. And that’s 73%. Nowhere around 95%.
I’m not really so psycho regarding marks but this is different. I studied so hard and I got this. I don’t how or why I got such less marks. I just know that this was the last exam before the finals. This was the last time I would’ve been able to review myself. But I got 73%.
Let me tell you more about these finals that I’m stressing over. The finals are the last exams in the life of a student in India. After passing we go into college. We require great percentage to go to a reputed university. Doing the entire class and giving the exam again is not an option because firstly, it wastes your entire one year and secondly it can be a major cause for humiliation (repeating a class is not cool.).
So I’ve my one and the only chance to score good. Also ignorant neighbours and forgotten relatives remember you on the day the result is announced (somewhere around mid-May). They call you and ask you pointless questions about your percentage and if they have a son or a daughter giving the same finals then great! They now have a chance to compare you to them. They have no shame on comparing two different children and then boasting about their son or daughter if by chance they got more percentage.
This is just a dirty system in India which I openly detest. And I gave them a chance to insult me indirectly for my grades.
And I scored a 73%. This means I’ve very less chance to go even above 90%. And considering I’ve benn pretty good in studies all my life (in class 1 I got a 99.75% too) and now just slipping to 73% is making me mad. Sorry for the repeated use of 73%. This is just one subject but having this reduces the chances of achieving above 90% after taking out the average of five subjects.
This takes me to my decision of leaving blogging for 2 and a half month. I know its a really long time and I won’t be able to live without it but I’ve to this. I’ve lessen the time I spend here for some weeks.
Or maybe I’ll post something every once in a while to let you know what I’m upto.
I even thought of deleting the WordPress app from my mobile. But I can’t do it. I love WP and you all very much.
And blogging continuously instead of studying makes me question myself- “Am I being a good daughter?”
I promised my parents that I’ll get good grades and I’ll make them happy. And I’m nowhere near to doing that.
I don’t even know why I wrote this. And what I’m doing.
I just wanted to apologize deeply for allnthis and being inactive in advance. Maybe I’ll comment and like and read your posts sometime. But I won’t be able to promise it.
God, I feel so silly.
And I’ve not yet told my parents my marks. I can’t find the courage to tell them. I start crying whenever I think of them and the marks. And I’m crying since morning and I know its pointless but I can’t stop my tears.
I literally lied to them that I’ll get my marks this Saturday because then I’ll have time to plan how to tell them.
I’ve to go study now.
Byee and please pray for me so that I achieve that 95% target.